We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
