I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
