I just threw up on my dentist
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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