You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
