he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize