You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
