My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
