the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
