Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
