you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
