My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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