i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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