The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
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