So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
