Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
