My underwear smells like fireworks.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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