you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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