he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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