Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
