Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
