I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
