i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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