I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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