why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
