I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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