My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
