did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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