do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
