It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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