You really coming over, don't trick.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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