just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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