the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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