You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
last night I used snow as a chaser
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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