Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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