All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
