Your mouth is God's brothel.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
