There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
