She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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