I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
