just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
