I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He did a backflip because drugs
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
