You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
