omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
