Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
