I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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