My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
