My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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