I wannas sexs uuuuu
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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