Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The air was thick with penises
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
