Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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