everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
