A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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