i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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