You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize