I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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