I looked at my own cervix.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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