finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
