I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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