Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize