I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
