If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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