I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
