So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
