I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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