you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
