I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
